Three years ago, I was pregnant with our son. Matt and I were both working full time, and his job required he drive 90 miles each way to and from work daily. Working full time was in a word…crazy. I was stressed out, hateful, worried about my daughter all of the time, I resented my job, ran on only a few hours of sleep each night, and had spiritually come to the driest place in my life. I knew what it was like to be well watered with God’s word, experience His presence in prayer, and grow in faith. We had walked closely since my teen years when I had a spiritual awakening to the fact that there was more to God than a salvation experience, but a relationship. However, the cares of the world and parenthood had choked out my thoughts of growing closer to Him. I felt justified in the fact that I had a new baby girl, and I was at a loss as to how to remedy my spiritual situation. I felt I had no time, no energy to get up early and have devotion, and I was a walking zombie. Physically dead. Spiritually on the brink of extinction.
My desire to be a stay at home mom consumed my every thought. I even highlighted the days until my due date with my son on my desk calendar at the office, counting down until I had maternity leave. I resented my work when truthfully, I was blessed with this position. Searching for over a year, I even went to the parking lot the day before the interview and prayed if it was God’s will for me to be offered the job. My husband was still in college at the time, and I was our sole financial provider. I had been a case manager, and the long hours and stress had gotten to me. This job was a miracle and God’s rest from that position. Rather than being thankful, I wanted something else. After many prayers, tears, and whining, my husband and I had decided that it would be best if I quit my full time job to be a stay at home mom. I still stand by this decision, but we had much to learn.
Three months into my maternity leave, I quit my full time job and became a stay at home mom. I had arrived! (Of course one never does “arrive”, but I sure thought I had.) My “mommy bucket list” was in full swing. We stayed in our pajamas, went to playgroups, and I started attending Community Bible Study (this was BIG on my stay at home mom checklist). I wanted to be back into God’s word and to achieve balance again. I also needed Godly friendships and knew this would be a good place to make connections. It was as I had been in a sandstorm in my life; the dust settled and I could finally take an account of my life and get my bearings. Over the next year, I started serving in church and Community Bible Study in the children’s programs. The house soon became a permanent wreck, our bank account dwindled, my daughter turned two (and boy was she good at it!). I dreamed of days of ease, and chugged through the muck of today. My spiritual life improved, but there was always something missing.
Three weeks ago, my husband got a raise at work. It was a monumental day for our family, namely me. It is not that we can now afford to buy a home in Green Hills, rather than rent the cheapest apartment we could find. That day he told me his new salary, God reminded me of a prayer I uttered 3 years ago. “Lord, I have done the math. (Hahahaha, humor me here!) If Matt can make ____, then we can get by. It won’t be a lavish lifestyle, but it will be enough. That is all we need. Oh yeah, and thank you Jesus, yada…yada…yada. Sincerely, the selfish idiot.” Of course, he has cared for us this entire time despite my math, but we are now at that number. Moreover, I was still not happy. In a word, God opened my eyes to the sin I have been unknowingly struggling with for so long. Whether it was graduating college, getting a job, quitting the job, staying at home, trying to earn more and more money, it was never enough. My true desire had been for things apart from God. I am not saying that I did not love God or want to be close to Him, but I had become idolatrous. God revealed that my lack of contentment had driven a wedge in between our relationship, and I became like the world. Here I was supposed to be salt and light, yet I never had enough.
The Bible states in 1 Timothy 6:6-10, "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."
Do not be confused; I do not remotely desire a weekly mani and pedi, exclusive private schools for my children, designer bags and shoes, and annual vacations to Europe. However, I have wanted to be comfortable. I ran towards the goal of ease my entire life. I wanted Matt’s salary high enough to where I could slide my card and not think about it too much. I wanted a child that did what I said immediately, the first time. I wanted a clean and organized home (provided by someone else), zero cellulite, to be debt free, and all kinds of other things and circumstances that had no eternal weight. They were not bad in and of themselves, but the fact that they became my focus made them sin.
The past three weeks have been so free. My goal is to approach each day with open palms, thankful for all of God’s blessings. As I sat in the shower that one evening with palms lifted, I realized this was how I had been living my life. I had the correct posture. I was open to God and had extended my palms open for His blessing all along. But my hands were open wide with fingers extended. I was straining trying to grab beyond my reach. Instead of getting increasing amounts, the water was all running between my fingers. Blessings wasted. Slipping away and down the drain. Sure, I received wonderful things over the past 5 years of parenthood, but there was so much more available. It is only when we draw the hands close, fingers together, and palms cupped that we receive a full measure. A cup that overflows.
Therefore, we are left to figure out how to live this out. How do we obtain a life of complete contentment and thankfulness? While this world is not our home, and our ultimate goal is to be united with God in heaven, we live here now. We have been warned in James 1:22-24, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”
Our attitudes and heart of thankfulness are the only cure for selfishness that plagues us. Pray for God to show us the beauty, holiness, and blessing in the once mundane, ordinary, and reality that once left me searching for more. It is that simple. Thankfulness. A thankful heart is the cure for discontentment. Palms lifted, cupped, eyes wide open for the gift.
My potty training son peed on the rug. “Thank you God for this precious boy that is able to urinate.” We have spent all of the grocery money for the week and are out of fabric softener sheets. “Thank you God for clean clothes and a full pantry.” I catch a glimpse of my stretch marks and flabby belly while in Zoomba class. “Thank you God for the love scars of pregnancy and my 2 kids.” I wonder if we will ever pay off my husband’s student loans that are currently in deferment. “Thank you God for our college educations. Thank you God! Thank you for it all!”
